Recently I've been plagued by feelings of self loathing, so much so that I was unable to see anything but the dark cloud over my head. After some time considering my options and taking things one step at a time the cloud overhead seems to have dissipated a bit. It's interesting how what I was going through seemed to affect me physically. I was not able to feel the warmth of the sun, even as it was an exceptionally beautiful day. Thinking back everything looked as if it was a few shades darker than it should have been. Though I'm not out of the woods with my problems the small chip I have dealt to it has been a huge moral boost for me. I know that in the near future I will have bouts of sadness and depression, but I will remember this day and how I feel. My sadness concerning my situation, while not long rocked me to my core. I fear what might have happened if I had little more pressure and a little less strength. Through my short experience on this world it's seems that karma, or God, whatever your belief at times you until the very brink to test you. It's up to you to either choose to give up or find the strength inside to push on. From this I gain experience to know what I can handle and what I must stay avoid.

Hard times

Never in all my life have I been so low. Everything is coming together in the most horrible combination that I don't even know where to begin solving my problems. Much of it is my fault and I have no one to blame. Were Hell a place I didn't fear then I may have already done the unthinkable and that if I do only makes things worse for everyone else. This is a phase, not eternal damnation. At the end of every tunnel is the light, and I will get through this. Though not knowing how long this tunnel will last is, yet, another thought that deepens the state of my sadness. I hope with every fiber of my being that I can outlast the feelings of helplessness and self loathing. I feel that my very life and future depends on the strength of my character through the coming months. This is, indeed, a cry for help! To the faceless masses of the anonymous, a way for me to vent my thoughts and feelings. I can't ask for anymore help from my friends and family, I've asked too much, much more than I deserve.

Please don't think that I'm subject to emotional ups and downs because of my previous posts. I'm just at my wits end, but I cannot and will not let this get the better of me.

Bud's Spud's and a BBQ

As I was driving to buy some stuff for the BBQ it started to hail. A wonderful was to start a BBQ,I know. It was mostly a team BBQ and the team captain’s roommate. As it was a not so nice day outside we had to keep all of the festivities inside, I should point out at this point that we didn’t even have a TV. We had to resort to board games, games like Monopoly , and Risk. Math is an interesting thing when you have a bit of a buzz going on, thank god I wasn’t the banker. Long story short, I lost Monopoly but destroyed at Risk.

They played one more game before we started up the raver part of the evening. We listened to some of the older songs from the turn of the century. Those songs brought back the good memories, times when we had few worries, and when gas was cheap. Lee Jung Hyun was one of the artist that we listened to that brought back memories of The Blue Bubble Cafe and Puzzle Fighter. That was at least 10 years ago, and I’m proud to say that we are still the same group, plus 1. I will say, though, that we drifted apart for a little during those 10 years, or so, but raving has brought us all back together. We are a tighter group of friends now that we seem to make it a point to plan something out for every weekend. The plus 1 person, Shocker (Raver name), that joined our little group assimilated herself so easily and naturally that it’s hard to picture a weekend without her.

PLUR!

Raver life thus far.

I’m 25 years old, and recently got into raving about 5 months ago, a bit late in the game. I was very unadventurous when I was younger. Non-raver’s are constantly pointing that out to me, “Oh, you’re still raving? I grew out of that when i was like 14!” (D-bag laugh) Well you know what? I grew out of being a dick! I know there are a lot of young ones that go to raves, but it’s so much more fun than going to a club. At a rave you can be yourself, and everyone’s your friend. Sure there are some drugs floating around, but even the one’s not on anything live by the raver code of PLUR (Peace, love, unity, and respect). Some have called the raver’s a new age hippie, because of its focus on music, and unity. I used to look down on the hippies of old, for their tree hugging ways, but now that I’m part of the rave scene I feel that they had something right going on. At a rave no one wants to fight and its smiles and good times all around. You can be yourself without the worry of someone pointing and laughing.

/rant

When I used to go clubbing fights would always break out, and people were out there on “the prowl”. Drama, drama, drama… Something I can do fine without. Bump into someone and you get rewarded with a “B” look. Awesome…

/rant

Ahem… Gloving and light shows! My friends and I decided to start up a light show team. “Light shows stimulate the brain and intensify the effect of the drug/drugs. Some would say these people that give lightshows are modern day shamans.” –wiki-. It may sound like we are advocating the use of drugs by giving out these light shows, but let’s face it, they would do it anyway. 5 months raving, 5 months of gloving, and having the best time in my life. If all this sounds like fun to you, go and find a rave!